Wow! Is this the life that I left? Having just returned to work after four years on disability has been a whirlwind experience.
There are so many emails, calls and meetings. Everyday presents a new "emergency" that needs my attention to resolve. I don't know if this is normal or this is the type of mania that I create. But, I know now why I jumped off the fast moving conveyor as a Vice President of Program Implementation. This is insanity...doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.
How do I slow the conveyor down? How do I find balance? How do I respect the money that I earn? How do I care about the Jones or competing again?
I don't have these answers, but I am in persuit of Happimess along my journey to great success. Join me on the journey back to life.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Trust Issues
Perhaps the hardest thing about dating after DV, is trusting another person. That is, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, again. It is not hard to have a connection or to experience those exciting feelings of courtship. It is like riding a bike, the kissing and hugging is an automatic response to the positive attention. But, when the moments of public displays of affection (PDAs) are over that's when those "Shame Gremlins" return. Their mission is to seek and destroy. Their purpose is to suck the life out of you. Their voices ask some very difficult questions:
Are you good enough?
What makes you so special?
Why would he like you?
Don't trust him, don't you know that he will hurt you like the others?
What are his motives?
Don't you know that you're just one of the many girls that he sees?
Don't get too attached. Do you remember what happens when we get attached?
It can seem overwhelming. Your "small voice" of clarity fights to get a word in the conversation. He offers reassurances like:
You are a beautiful woman.
Every man should want to be with such a lady.
You have the right to seek happiness.
Forget the past.
Take the lessons and apply them to the future.
Every relationship is different.
Just keep your eyes open.
If you see it, believe it.
When you know better, you do better.
Don't cover up bad behavior.
When you see warning signs, get out of danger.
Live in the now, not the past.
It is hard to stay optimistic with this internal battle going on inside your head. You have to fight back your urges to sabotage the relationship. After all, it would be easier to just speed up the process to that looming disaster. After years of using numbing as a shield, it is such a scary thought to open ourselves up to love again. Like a turtle without a shell, we are easy targets. But, if we want something beyound survival mode, like joy, love, play and laughter, then we must take a risk. Because without vulnerability, we can't live a fully present life. So, if you want to be in a relationship you must be all in!
Are you good enough?
What makes you so special?
Why would he like you?
Don't trust him, don't you know that he will hurt you like the others?
What are his motives?
Don't you know that you're just one of the many girls that he sees?
Don't get too attached. Do you remember what happens when we get attached?
It can seem overwhelming. Your "small voice" of clarity fights to get a word in the conversation. He offers reassurances like:
You are a beautiful woman.
Every man should want to be with such a lady.
You have the right to seek happiness.
Forget the past.
Take the lessons and apply them to the future.
Every relationship is different.
Just keep your eyes open.
If you see it, believe it.
When you know better, you do better.
Don't cover up bad behavior.
When you see warning signs, get out of danger.
Live in the now, not the past.
It is hard to stay optimistic with this internal battle going on inside your head. You have to fight back your urges to sabotage the relationship. After all, it would be easier to just speed up the process to that looming disaster. After years of using numbing as a shield, it is such a scary thought to open ourselves up to love again. Like a turtle without a shell, we are easy targets. But, if we want something beyound survival mode, like joy, love, play and laughter, then we must take a risk. Because without vulnerability, we can't live a fully present life. So, if you want to be in a relationship you must be all in!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
What I hate about relationships...
I don't like trying to guess what's going on. Two plus two should equal four every time. There are no new derivatives that make it equal to more than four. You know what I mean, don't you? One minute they are saying, "I want you all to myself. I want you to be in my life forever. You are the one I been searching for all these years." Then, just hours, days or weeks later...they won't accept my call or return my text messages (within 24 hours). What is that all about?
Even worst, I don't like the strange excuses that follow the "missing-in-action" episodes. Come on let's review the "Top Ten Excuses" and the most difficult to dispute:
1) I left/lost my cell phone - at the gas station, restaurant, friend's house or at work.
2) My cell phone battery was dead and I didn't have the charger with me.
3) I have just been so busy at work, with family or with a dying friend (That's a real hard one to challenge).
4) I was just too embarrassed to face you or I was afraid of what you might say.
5) I broke my phone - I dropped it, it fell in the pool or off the car roof.
6) I needed some time to think, time to be alone.
7) I was getting too attached to you so I had to back off. I am not ready emotionally for this kind of commitment.
8) You deserve someone better than me, a football player, basketball player, a doctor or an independently wealthy man, not someone as "simple/plain" as I am.
9) I am jealous of all the other men who are flirting with you daily, I just can't compete. I just want to give up.
10) You don't want me anymore, I could tell from our last conversation. So, I just walked away to make it easy for you to find someone better.
These are just a few of the maddening excuses for not being "fully present" in the relationship. Why can't they just be honest? It would be refreshing to hear, "I am not really sure about us. I want to get to know other people as well." "Let me be frank,I have another girl that I have been seeing and I am not quite over her." "Give me a little rope, I am not yet ready to commit to you." "I am just playing the field, don't take our relationship so seriously." "Hey, I am just a dog trying to get a bone." "Can we just be sex-buddies?" I would just like the opportunity to know all the facts and then to choose if I still want to be in the relationship. Let me have a say in the game.
Even worst, I don't like the strange excuses that follow the "missing-in-action" episodes. Come on let's review the "Top Ten Excuses" and the most difficult to dispute:
1) I left/lost my cell phone - at the gas station, restaurant, friend's house or at work.
2) My cell phone battery was dead and I didn't have the charger with me.
3) I have just been so busy at work, with family or with a dying friend (That's a real hard one to challenge).
4) I was just too embarrassed to face you or I was afraid of what you might say.
5) I broke my phone - I dropped it, it fell in the pool or off the car roof.
6) I needed some time to think, time to be alone.
7) I was getting too attached to you so I had to back off. I am not ready emotionally for this kind of commitment.
8) You deserve someone better than me, a football player, basketball player, a doctor or an independently wealthy man, not someone as "simple/plain" as I am.
9) I am jealous of all the other men who are flirting with you daily, I just can't compete. I just want to give up.
10) You don't want me anymore, I could tell from our last conversation. So, I just walked away to make it easy for you to find someone better.
These are just a few of the maddening excuses for not being "fully present" in the relationship. Why can't they just be honest? It would be refreshing to hear, "I am not really sure about us. I want to get to know other people as well." "Let me be frank,I have another girl that I have been seeing and I am not quite over her." "Give me a little rope, I am not yet ready to commit to you." "I am just playing the field, don't take our relationship so seriously." "Hey, I am just a dog trying to get a bone." "Can we just be sex-buddies?" I would just like the opportunity to know all the facts and then to choose if I still want to be in the relationship. Let me have a say in the game.
What are the benefits of being in a relationship?
That fact still remains that I am afraid to be in a relationship and I am tired of not being in a relationship. There are so many reasons why, some good and some not so good. I like having someone to share my daily thoughts with. You know that comfortable feeling of being able to speak freely, without fear of running him off. I like touching, that is, having someone I can hold tightly, hug, kiss and caress at will. I like having someone in my space to share a good hour of TV or game of scrabble. I like pleasing my man. I enjoy cooking a good meal, helping them with their business project, or satisfying them sexually. I like the deep appreciation that follows after I have added value to their day, year or life. Yea, I like being needed or seen as an essential part of their success. I like gifts of kindness. Anything from household chores to home repairs. I like unexpected gifts of money or merchandise. I like to be showered with unexpected affection and spur of the moment trips. Yes, I like the give and take of a relationship.
What do you like most?
What do you like most?
How do you decide to date again?
So this is probably the most difficult turning point in recovery. That is, deciding to date again is particularly hard for a victim of domestic violence. It requires trusting someone again. Letting some get close enough to influence my life and close enough to be dangerous. This is hard because I question my judgment skills after the past failed relationships. Will I see the warning signs before it is too late? What am I really looking for in a mate? Is it financial support? Is it compassion? Is it companionship? Or, is it just physical? Which is more important in the relationship? The answers to the questions are particularly elusive. Their order of importance seem to change daily.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Working from home?
It has been two months since I decided to officially launch my company, EOHO Consulting. The names sound strange until you know what it means: Each One Help One. This is our motto to help others through these trying economic times. Our company develops, redesign, host and market web sites. We also offer branding items to coordinate with the website for a total branding package.
How is it going? Surprisingly well. Our customers are happy. We are delivering high quality sites at an affordable price. the common comments are "I can't believe how professional I look on the web. I never thought that I could have a site that looks this good." As long as they are happy, I am too.
So, what is it like to work at home? Most of the time it is great. at other times, i wish I had an office. You see I have two daughters and two grandchildren living in my home (office). That can be challenging when the noise level begins to rise, I have to remind them this is my office, too. I face the normal work balance issues, that is, balancing family and work. It is so tempting to work a little longer since your work in just in the other room. But, I get up each day as if I am going off to an office, fully dressed to impress. I try to "get ready" so I can "be ready" when ever a client calls for a meeting. About meetings...I meet mostly at client offices or at a resturant. Mainly because I don't want most people to know that I am working out of my home. They see it as lees than professional, at times. So, I pack my show for the road each time I have a meeting.
Well, that's enough for now about me. Tell me what challenges are you facing in your home office?
How is it going? Surprisingly well. Our customers are happy. We are delivering high quality sites at an affordable price. the common comments are "I can't believe how professional I look on the web. I never thought that I could have a site that looks this good." As long as they are happy, I am too.
So, what is it like to work at home? Most of the time it is great. at other times, i wish I had an office. You see I have two daughters and two grandchildren living in my home (office). That can be challenging when the noise level begins to rise, I have to remind them this is my office, too. I face the normal work balance issues, that is, balancing family and work. It is so tempting to work a little longer since your work in just in the other room. But, I get up each day as if I am going off to an office, fully dressed to impress. I try to "get ready" so I can "be ready" when ever a client calls for a meeting. About meetings...I meet mostly at client offices or at a resturant. Mainly because I don't want most people to know that I am working out of my home. They see it as lees than professional, at times. So, I pack my show for the road each time I have a meeting.
Well, that's enough for now about me. Tell me what challenges are you facing in your home office?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Not in My House...how about your home?
Denial at Home
There's a place where the truth is never spoken. A place where the wife and the children are taught to fear the consequences of letting on too much. To draw attention, to the bad situation or speaking about it out loud, is not a wise course of action.
Not In This House...
There's a place where friends aren't welcome anymore and family members are discouraged to call. It is a place where neighbors turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the violence and terrifying call for help. Even when the police arrive to escort him away, no one consoles her or counsels her to leave, anymore.
Not In This House...
There is a place where the anger is raging out of control. It ebbs and flows down the halls and splashes around the bend onto the walls. Even the youngest child of all can feel it rising and has already taken to hiding or waiting for the "Shoe" to fall. The tweens and teens know it is wrong and are rehearsing, like a the movie in their head, the day when they will challenge it head on! Wanting nothing more than peace alone, the mother struggles to soothe the savage beast that is destroying her home.
Not In This House...
There is a place where every detail is measured and controlled. It is orchestrated each day, where she goes, how long she stays, the money she spends, the items she buys, the tasks that she performs, and her relentless quality control inspections. He has become so focused on control that he has lost sight of the goal, to provide for his family and create a safe, happy home. Nonetheless, like a well intended robot that had been sent on a search and rescue mission, something has gone gone terribly wrong. With the transmission lost and the signals crossed, the robot destroys what it was once sent to rescue. Who will retrieve and repair the droid?
Not In This House...
Sometimes there's only one solution or one way out. To walk away and never look back. It like a witness protection program for families. The severing of all ties and common acquaintances, it is the most painful of operations. Yet, the safest way to escape the angry grip of the negative hold on your live. Miles aways, in safe waters, in your own home, you will find new found joy and hope as you now proclaim:
Not In My House...Anymore!
There's a place where the truth is never spoken. A place where the wife and the children are taught to fear the consequences of letting on too much. To draw attention, to the bad situation or speaking about it out loud, is not a wise course of action.
Not In This House...
There's a place where friends aren't welcome anymore and family members are discouraged to call. It is a place where neighbors turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the violence and terrifying call for help. Even when the police arrive to escort him away, no one consoles her or counsels her to leave, anymore.
Not In This House...
There is a place where the anger is raging out of control. It ebbs and flows down the halls and splashes around the bend onto the walls. Even the youngest child of all can feel it rising and has already taken to hiding or waiting for the "Shoe" to fall. The tweens and teens know it is wrong and are rehearsing, like a the movie in their head, the day when they will challenge it head on! Wanting nothing more than peace alone, the mother struggles to soothe the savage beast that is destroying her home.
Not In This House...
There is a place where every detail is measured and controlled. It is orchestrated each day, where she goes, how long she stays, the money she spends, the items she buys, the tasks that she performs, and her relentless quality control inspections. He has become so focused on control that he has lost sight of the goal, to provide for his family and create a safe, happy home. Nonetheless, like a well intended robot that had been sent on a search and rescue mission, something has gone gone terribly wrong. With the transmission lost and the signals crossed, the robot destroys what it was once sent to rescue. Who will retrieve and repair the droid?
Not In This House...
Sometimes there's only one solution or one way out. To walk away and never look back. It like a witness protection program for families. The severing of all ties and common acquaintances, it is the most painful of operations. Yet, the safest way to escape the angry grip of the negative hold on your live. Miles aways, in safe waters, in your own home, you will find new found joy and hope as you now proclaim:
Not In My House...Anymore!
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