Getting back on the conveyer can be tricky at best!

Wow! Is this the life that I left? Having just returned to work after four years on disability has been a whirlwind experience.

There are so many emails, calls and meetings. Everyday presents a new "emergency" that needs my attention to resolve. I don't know if this is normal or this is the type of mania that I create. But, I know now why I jumped off the fast moving conveyor as a Vice President of Program Implementation. This is insanity...doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

How do I slow the conveyor down? How do I find balance? How do I respect the money that I earn? How do I care about the Jones or competing again?

I don't have these answers, but I am in persuit of Happimess along my journey to great success. Join me on the journey back to life.

Trust Issues

Perhaps the hardest thing about dating after DV, is trusting another person. That is, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, again. It is not hard to have a connection or to experience those exciting feelings of courtship.  It is like riding a bike, the kissing and hugging is an automatic response to the positive attention.  But, when the moments of public displays of affection (PDAs) are over that's when those "Shame Gremlins" return. Their mission is to seek and destroy. Their purpose is to suck the life out of you.  Their voices ask some very difficult questions:

Are you good enough?
What makes you so special?
Why would he like you?
Don't trust him, don't you know that he will hurt you like the others?
What are his motives?
Don't you know that you're just one of the many girls that he sees?
Don't get too attached. Do you remember what happens when we get attached?

It can seem overwhelming.  Your "small voice" of clarity fights to get a word in the conversation. He offers reassurances like:

You are a beautiful woman.
Every man should want to be with such a lady.
You have the right to seek happiness.
Forget the past.
Take the lessons and apply them to the future.
Every relationship is different.
Just keep your eyes open.
If you see it, believe it.
When you know better, you do better.
Don't cover up bad behavior.
When you see warning signs, get out of danger.
Live in the now, not the past.

It is hard to stay optimistic with this internal battle going on inside your head.  You have to fight back your urges to sabotage the relationship.  After all, it would be easier to just speed up the process to that looming disaster. After years of using numbing as a shield, it is such a scary thought to open ourselves up to love again.  Like a turtle without a shell, we are easy targets.  But, if we want something beyound survival mode, like joy, love, play and laughter, then we must take a risk.  Because without vulnerability, we can't live a fully present life.  So, if you want to be in a relationship you must be all in!