Perhaps the hardest thing about dating after DV, is trusting another person. That is, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, again. It is not hard to have a connection or to experience those exciting feelings of courtship. It is like riding a bike, the kissing and hugging is an automatic response to the positive attention. But, when the moments of public displays of affection (PDAs) are over that's when those "Shame Gremlins" return. Their mission is to seek and destroy. Their purpose is to suck the life out of you. Their voices ask some very difficult questions:
Are you good enough?
What makes you so special?
Why would he like you?
Don't trust him, don't you know that he will hurt you like the others?
What are his motives?
Don't you know that you're just one of the many girls that he sees?
Don't get too attached. Do you remember what happens when we get attached?
It can seem overwhelming. Your "small voice" of clarity fights to get a word in the conversation. He offers reassurances like:
You are a beautiful woman.
Every man should want to be with such a lady.
You have the right to seek happiness.
Forget the past.
Take the lessons and apply them to the future.
Every relationship is different.
Just keep your eyes open.
If you see it, believe it.
When you know better, you do better.
Don't cover up bad behavior.
When you see warning signs, get out of danger.
Live in the now, not the past.
It is hard to stay optimistic with this internal battle going on inside your head. You have to fight back your urges to sabotage the relationship. After all, it would be easier to just speed up the process to that looming disaster. After years of using numbing as a shield, it is such a scary thought to open ourselves up to love again. Like a turtle without a shell, we are easy targets. But, if we want something beyound survival mode, like joy, love, play and laughter, then we must take a risk. Because without vulnerability, we can't live a fully present life. So, if you want to be in a relationship you must be all in!
About Me
- Dr. Bria
- After 23 years in school, I achieved the highest degree possible, a Doctorate Degree. But, my real learning didn’t begin until I started dating and shopping for a husband. All the lessons learned in school never prepared me for the life lessons that would follow. In school, I excelled in every subject. Unfortunately, they never taught me the rules of dating or the definition of a healthy relationship. Twenty-five years later, after escaping my third abuser, I learned about setting boundaries and healthy relationships. But, I can’t help feeling betrayed that no one taught me about domestic violence. Frankly, I did not even have a conversation about my relationship rights. Nonetheless, I celebrate today, after experiencing many failed relationships, that I am now happily married to a loving man. The good news is "I have learned so much from all my experiences." They say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! I share my story to say that both the good and bad times have enabled me to empower other men and women to identify, strategize and escape their abusers. After all, everyone deserves to live without fear and to achieve their personal and professional dreams!
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